haven't updated in awhile

So i have not updated in awhile so here goes the briefing.....

Went to LA with John. He survived. Met my nephew, toured French Quarter, bought some shit, drank a lot, went on bourbon, etc.
My nephew is to die for though. Cute as a button and doesnt cry.
I was so tired from that trip. Ha.

Had work Christmas party this weekend. I had such a good time my brain is missing pieces of it. But I asked a friend about it and she said she was shocked I cant remember part of it because i was fully functioning and talking...normal.

I remember the party, i remember the club, I remember walking out of the club and then it goes blank. I do know who was my ride home so I am okay!

John brought me home so I wasnt scared but it is scary when you dont remember events in the night.

I think it might be my medicine. Next week it goes up so I think i need to lay off drinking for awhile. Just think if the party was next weekend. WOW!

It is taking awhile to get used to my meds. The doctor said it might affect my eating and it has. I am hardly ever hungry and when i am nothing appeals to me. I usually eat my whole frozen meal for lunch and some fruit today i ate less than half. It makes me sick after i start eating. He said it may take some time to get used to it.

I do have a lot more energy now. :)

whatever....

So i cant let things get me down for the weekend but John was a punk yesterday. Blah.
I called him because i figured probably wont hear from him at all or much while he is in VA with his family. i left him a voice mail and he calls me back dont know why he bothered. He was in a bad mood. He kept giving me one word answers and then he said he was in a bad mood he would call me Friday when he was in a better mood.
I hung up and i was so pissed off and emotional that i cried and then went to bed.
GGRRRRR.....
But i think i might get up early tomorrow and drive to the mountains to take pics then get my emissions test then i dont know yet. I do need to make jewelry this weekend i may do it sunday.
I am getting my hair colored again this weekend. I would just do a touch up but i want my natural color hair so i have to dye it as close to my root color as i can.
We'll see how it goes.
My natural color is not quite black but pretty dark.
If I tell the colorists black or dark I will come out looking like Snow WHite.
Ha.

So this cant be all that bad.......

Taurus and Cancer:

Taurus fulfills Cancer’s secret sexual fantasies. This combination is perfect for sex and romance. Both are emotional, sensual and family oriented. They both could leave other love relationships once they have met and fallen in love. Cancer has finally found someone who can provide the right intensity that past lovers were unable to deliver. These two will travel and experience many pleasurable pursuits together. Music and sensual excitement will always be evident in this attraction. Taurus loves Cancer’s depth and would drop everything in order to hold on to this sexy and mesmerizing sign. Sex could leave them speechless and whatever language they speak, they will not need a translator. Sex will be what attracts them and love will be what ultimately keeps them together. Taurus will need to tone down stubbornness or Cancer will feel left out and become moody. Cancer has a stabilizing influence and can bring a sort of sexual healing into Taurus life.

whats wrong wiht me....

i finally have answers........i have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. i know say what......thanks to wikepedia if you want to know more read on......

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia


basically it is a joint and fatigue illness. it isnot contagious. there is no set cure or treatment. there are things i can do and need to work on so i can live with this condition. i have to do research and find therapies and doctors i want to help me work with my condition. i have to set goals to help me live a daily normal life.

i have to seek therapists to help me mentally, i have to make diet changes, start doing yoga and meditation to ease stress levels, i have to change my sleep patterns (lack of sleep or not being able to sleep is a big part of this condition), so i need psychiatrists, psychologists, a nutritionist, possibly get massage or acupuncture, a family physician and possibly a rheumotologist.

my doctor told me to get some books on my condition. i have to record my emotions and tiredness. he said it is good i write a lot and do a journal.

depression plays a part in fibromyalgia.

most importantly my close family and friends need to know about my condition because they will play a big part in helping me. i wont ever be cured but right now i have a long road ahead of me to learn how to live with it.

sigh......

i am supposed to look into a support group too.

my dad wants me to get a second opinion but they did blood work on me.

supplements i have to take are B-12, magnesium, vitamin D, iron, potassium plus a daily vitamin.

most often in people with my condition we dont keep in certain nutrients as well.

so wish me luck...........now i need to tell John.

this week

was a waste....i had/have strep. It sucks. Wed i was out from work. Thurs i went in and after awhile felt awful so i went home. i threw up. it was great. Friday felt bad went bak to doctor. got better meds. Now i am getting around. I didnt do anything fri night ....duh! Well John came to keep me company and we almost made it through all of a movie.
We watched some top scary movie moments show, he ate gumbo i made, we watched a movie i wanted to watch chronicles of riddick, then attempted and almost stayed up through The Ring. Went to bed. joujou behaved...somewhat.
She loves John....like really likes him. ha.
she wont leave him alone hardly at all. ha. she always has to be by him.
i woke up today and decided to eat. it has stayed down.
today i am doing nothing but watch chick flicks and some football.
i may cook something to bring tomorrow to john's co-workers house for a football game. most of the beer is blocked in the fridge in the garage by charlie's car and of course why would they leave me the keys to the beamer?!!!
luckily i got some last night when i got some pop for John.
Cant go watch football and not bring beer?! that is so unsouthern.
i should be better by tomorrow evening for sure!
Monday i have work but i also got my birth certificate in so i need to go to the DMV and the tax commissioners office and become legal in the state of GA!!!!!!!!!!!
No more LA girl.....well technically as Karen says you cant ever take the Louisianian out of a girl. Even though GA is my new home LA will always be in my heart.
I wish i was going for longer to LA in NOv there is so much to do and that john wants to do but not enough time.

My life....

Well my aunt...elle...wants me to stay with her....I told her i could try a 50/50 deal. Mostly stay with her on the weekends. I said it is just easier to stay with Karen M-Th.
The reason I want to stay with elle sometimes is to get a break. I mean i live and work with my aunt and uncle and it gets hard sometimes never breathing.
That is why I leave work on Fri and don't go back home until Sun.
It isnt because they are terrible people or anything.....sometimes you just want a break.
elle said I can have guests over and they could sleep over. She has two TV's and I would still get my own bathroom. She also put in a mini fridge in the room. The internet is set up in that room too. So I could bring my laptop over!
I wouldnt really have to deal with her much either. She works daytime Sat/Sun.
She said if John slept over she would take my room and I could have her bed because it is bigger and the TV is a flat screen and bigger.
But I wouldnt do that to her.
I am looking for a bed....so if you know anyone...let me know!
I am on a budget.
I keep forgetting to rent a car for my trip in Nov. My sis is going to bring us to the airport on the last day so I just need one for 2.5 days instead of 5 days.
All the great travel websites show only Avis car rental in both NOLA and Hattiesburg. It was almsot 300 for a car. I was like no way! So i go directly to Enterprises website and guess what....they are in Hattiesburg too. So I am going to just go directly through Enterprise rather than those stupid travel sites and I am saving about $150 dollars that way!
I am getting a compact car because the last thing you ever want to try driving down bourbon is an SUV even when its not holiday season.
John's grandpa is not doing well...at all. :( So i doubt i see him this weekend. He will probably be going to the hospital to see his grandpa.
If he does that....then I am going to go hear the Dalai Lama speak on Sat and swing by the art museum to see the new Impressionist Exhibit.
If we do hang out i think we are going to go to a haunted house...any takers??!!!!

Poems

I like to write so here goes:


Lights dim, my mind begins to race
the paths and choices of disgrace
have brought me back to a better place
Oh I pray, I pray and wonder why

Mysteries that never solve
Doors of future open wide
past doors locked with key inside
Have a new home
the clock ticks and I cant
stop

I've come out ahead
Cant reflect on missed opportunities
I'm part of the beginning
no longer at the end

train whistles
to silence my head
__________________________________


Poem 2

I couldnt believe it was over in a flash,
we were chilling out on the sofa at home

Digging the new cd's to songs i couldnt make out the words

Guess we all have diff tastes?
You felt your love was real and I was fake

You hypnotized me
So long, so long

though it wasn't long -- I did
at one point think you were the one.

Im glad for the experience--
time is gone but not lost

Do you ever miss me?
Am I swimming in your soul?

I know....life goes on.

We were having fun, hanging out ....being friends....

As lovers we were going nowhere.

I burned the bridge myself. .....
did it all wrong.....said the wrong things.....
But Life Goes On.

Plans....

So i am working on this relationship that I am in and my subtle hints seem to be working....kind of.
Yesterday he tells me he wants to and can come to LA with me for Thanksgiving......so we get him a ticket for my flight with a seat next to me.
So now the game plan is to arrive in NOLA on a Wed night go out stay out and sleep in the French Quarter. Get up sometime on THurs ride around, go to my Grandma's hang out a bit, sleep there, Get up Fri go to my Grannie's, head to MS, stay with Lyd and Brad until Sunday.
Now all that is left to do is rent a car.
I told my mom we were going to spend one night in NOLA she said okay whatever.
She knows the main purpose of this trip is to meet my nephew.
Well after we get through all that I tell John.....tell me what we are doing this weekend. If I dont get the ball rolling now i will get a call at like 7pm on friday.
So he says i dont care...i dont know. ahhhh.
Eventually finally last night we have plans.....i am going to dunwoody tavern tonight. Tomm is the fundraiser and that is my busy weekend!
I am not motivated today!

Good Afternoon....

Well I wish I could say that. After lunch its going to be hell!
I have all my accounting crap to do after my short break.
I am trying to make an appt with a doctor about my fatigue. I did go buy the B-12 last night and am starting on that but i cant just keep taking supplements and guessing what is wrong.
Anyway, so John emailed me this morning and said if I thought there were any seats left on my flight he wants to go with me.
SO I told him my flight info and then we even were able to get seats together.
Now I am thinking about staying one night in NOLA so he can walk around and see what NOLA is all about. ha.
I may see if friends who are in town want to go out with us that night.
Then wake up Thurs and go to my parents, then my grandma's, then my grannie's then stay at my Grandma;s thurs. Then Fri-Sun go to Lyd's.
YEAHHHH!!!!

Today

I went to the lovely ....once a year ....doctor that I am required to go to and am having my hormones regulated.....YEAH!
I dont know why it creeps me out to go to a male doctor for those wonderful exams but it does. I have always gone to a female but this time I didnt really have a choice unless i wanted to wait until next year.
The experience wasn't as traumatizing or as painful as I thought it would be. He was okay. He didnt give off a creepy vibe.

He did question my calcium intake and that caught me off guard......I told him 2-3 glasses of milk a day, yogurt or cottage cheese at least a cup for breakfast and usually have cheese with dinner. He said that should be enough. He said he noticed my calcium deficiency marks on my nails.
Hmmmmm.....he said maybe take an extra calcium pill besides my multi-vitamin.

For the past two weeks or more I have been very lethargic. I feel as if I could sleep all the time. It isnt just tired or lack of sleep it is fatigue.

I have always had an anemia issue my entire life and I randomly wake up with bruises in random places.

I take iron pills and i do eat meat or beans despite what people think about my diet. I AM NOT A VEGETARIAN.

I think the problem lies in that my stomach does not absorb the iron or B-12 normally like it should. I am having constant fatigue and exhaustion issues.

So I am going to try B-12 vitamins along with the iron and see what happens in the next week or so. If that does not work then I have to look into either a prescription sleeping pill (which I hate those) or injecting myself with B-12 everyday. Lovely.

It is a serious problem........I am not narcoleptic and yes I do have insomnia but lately it seems I am sleeping more than less.

I feel a lack of energy.......and no I am not depressed.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. :(

Okay.....

SO like i said my life is a rollercoaster........What a mess I am in. Ha.
Well I guess I have a boyfriend. AM I excited? yes but like I said there is some tweaking still.
Last thing I got from john was an email on I think Wed maybe Thurs afternoon stating he had to work on his room at his sisters....which is true she is sick of it not being done.
SO watching the LSU game might be out.
So my plan was to go home Friday and chill out after the party at the house left to go out. I am on my way home and thought Karen might have tried calling to see if I left work. I look at my phone....sure enough someone loves me there was a missed call. To my surprise it was JOhn. I call him back and he says to me what is the plan tonight?!!! WTF....okay yes this is a step up for him actually calling and to want to hang out on a Friday.....but I had to think fast because you dont call me at almost 6 on a Friday night to ask what do I want to do. I dont work that way.......so I tell him I have to hangout with some people at the house at least for one drink before I can do anything.
I then tell him to be half polite thanks for calling me......he said what you didnt think i was going to call....i said yeah i wasnt sure since i hadnt heard from him in two days. Ha.
So I headed out to Kennesaw for the evening.
My picture is officially in the kitchen now in a frame and one in the family room.......so I guess I am in his life now.
Some events occured that night as well and a sort of deep discussion which now makes me think we are a couple.
He also has all these plans for us too. Well I thought I would be heading home on Sat but he didnt do jack shit. Ha. we were the two laziest people ever. I didnt even go out the house once.
I almost missed the LSU game I was so lazy. BUt i made it through.
I came home this morning and now I have to work on my car. JOY!
So I think I am off the market......I am just going to ride this and see what happens.
I take it his parents like me as I have been over there two weekends in a row and this time I was there 2.5 days.
This weekend he will be at my pad....fun.....we have a fundraiser to attend then the next weekend who knows.....Karen and Charlie will be in Mexico.
OVerall i had a good weekend........:)

today

So I woke up somehow......on time.....i passed out....according to my aunt on my bed on top of the pillows and comforter horizontally. When she went to put joujou in bed with me she had to pick me up and turn me around and put the covers over me. She said the whole time i didnt even flinch. WOW.........and to think I wasnt even on anything. Ha.
So I guess that was a sign that I was going to be sick today.......well not there yet but I might as well be.
The smart decision for tonight will be bubble bath, tv and read.....may pass on the red wine tonight...it is not reallly sounding to good to my stomach.
Most of my movies have either been stolen, borrowed, etc so I am slowly replenshing them. I love Garden State and found it for 7.00 at target yest so I will probably watch that. My friend Jason and I share a passion for that movie and when I called him the other week he told me to watch it again it would make me feel better.
I hate always dumping stuff on him but he listens to me ever so well.
It is hard to get a hold of him sometimes....he works out in the Gulf of Mexico. We have been friends since the 9th grade.
Today at lunch my lack of a social/love life was the topic....per se.
I think i have come to the conclusion that I am single and unless some things change I will not attend John's house for Christmas and he is not my boyfriend. How can we be dating if we have actually never had a date?!
Part of my problem too is I am holding back......Why is it that we always want what we cant have?!

John is fun and I like to hang out with him but I think our interests are diff. I dont mind staying home or going to his house but sometimes I like to do things and I dont think he truly enjoys them. I dont think he would see an ad for an event and say hey lets go or would you like to go?
There are all these issues and until they get sorted out........I think I am going to just not call him anymore. I dont deserve to keep getting hurt. A friend should not continuously hurt me and I should not have to keep telling them repeatedly that what they are doing hurts.

A lot of these feelings have to do with someone else.......this person does not know I exist well okay that is a little extreme....they dont know I like them.....and for now that is okay. But I think I have more in common with this other person.....similar interests, etc. I am attracted to this person on many levels. However, I dont think the feeling is mutual. There is an obstacle or two also that could prevent this.....so maybe its the want what I cant have?! I dont know.

I dont know...I am supposed to go to a fundraiser next Saturday the 13th and I need a date. I mean do I just keep asking the one guy who I know will go or try someone different?

Maybe I will just take the tables advice and call him once in awhile so maybe he will get the hint.
I dont care....I have a football game tomorrow to watch!!!! I have my purple haze in the fridge and cooking gumbo or jambalaya in the morning to have it ready for game time:)

The pitter patter puts me in a slumber.....

Wow I just dont know what is wrong with me this week. I have fallen behind on myself. This whole week i feel like a lump on a log and I think a lot has to do with my mental exhaustion. If it were only Friday.
Karen and Charlie will be out Friday night galavanting so at least I get some space and can go to bed early. Saturday I may venture to L5P to look for a costume after I go to the gym. Eventually at some point on Sat I am making jambalaya to Kennesaw to watch the LSU game. Would it be tacky to put alligator meat in the jambalaya? After all I am hoping the tigers go all out and slaughter up some gator meat.
It should be for an interesting game......after all FL is upset over their loss to Auburn so I am sure they will be on top this week as well. THey have a lot of aggression to release.
Is it weird I like football so much? Hmmm......I am rather girly.
Karen and Charlie will be out galavanting again Sat night so I will probably stay out and return Sunday.
Sunday is the neighborhood bbq. WHOOOPPPIIEEE.
Right now I just need to let go of some things and I think I will be far better off for it. I cant let go because it affects me daily but I need to begin to try before I end up sick from lack of sleep.
I am in this situation where I know the real truth but daily am being told the opposite.
I cant take it anymore.....I just want to go to them and say........I know everything. STOP LYING TO ME.
I dont want to help this person or be there for them sometimes because I know what is really going on. It hurts that they can look me right in the face and say the opposite.
Well i have a lot to do today and I should have already been on it. SO until lunch...........have a good day!

what a week.....

I just don’t even know where to begin. So I was in this terrible relationship. I was carrying all the weight for us financially so I said its time to go.
So that is what I did and not only did I move out but it led me to move to another state! I was too smart to be in that situation and with that person. I don’t mind paying for things sometimes or helping out but I want to know I am being taken care of. I was the only one with a salaried job, with benefits, standing on my own two feet, and had a checking account!!!!
I know those things sound silly to most but I am closer to 30 than 20 and I don’t want to be with someone who can’t take care of themselves. Does that make sense?
I have a couple of guy friends…..and that is what they are friends. It’s fun but it makes me think of what I want out of a relationship a lot and that I want one. I ask them to events if it says ask a guest, bring a friend, etc.
There is one guy who I just don’t get at all……he was given an opportunity to step it up and passed on it and now I am getting the cold shoulder. You know what it’s not too late. But if you continue in silence how will I know?! How will I know why you are upset with me?
I like to go out and that is all I have right now. I don’t have watching TV on the couch or in bed, reading, getting coffee, going to hear a band, go to a museum, etc with someone. Sometimes I do those things but alone and sometimes it just is not that fun alone. I know what they say when you can learn to do things by yourself you are ready to be with someone…yeah well that is all I seem to do is be in my own company so whoever said that quote can jump off a cliff. Ha.
All I have right now is whoever has the nerve to call me up and ask me to do something and it gets me out of my house.
Mostly right now I sit home. Occasionally I get lucky and from Fri to Sun I am gone.
Fortunately for me when I go to LA in Nov for the holidays…. no one will ask me……where is your boyfriend? Do you have one? Are you dating anyone? First off they know better than to go there….and they are not the type to rush me into anything.
So I can tell you right now the marriage or baby question isn’t even an option. Ha. My sister just had one and he keeps everyone occupied right now! He is the topic of discussion and no longer my sister and me.
I want someone who will call me….not everyday…..but pick up the phone and say hello, how are you, how was your final?! Send me a text, emails saying how are you doing or I miss you. I want to feel special, missed, liked/loved, etc. I don’t want to be part time and if you’re too busy for me then let me go or don’t start something to begin with.
I like my space too so I don’t have to spend everyday or every second with you but to blow me off sometimes on weekends is not cool.
I look at my past record track and realize I was not picky enough. I fell into traps or put myself with people that should never even be allowed to happen but I don’t regret it because now I know exactly what I don’t want.
What I do want is someone smart…..preferably college (after all I went), no Masters or PhD required, job with pay and benefits (I can make more or you can that does not matter), someone with a dream/goal/passion, I love the arts…so they either have to enjoy it too or at least accompany me. I go to a lot of plays, operas, concerts, art shows, etc. I love to dance, write, read and draw.
My fantasy is to travel I guess. I want to be happy, be loved and cared for. I don’t think it is much to ask.
I guess I am torn right now. I have this one person who I think could provide such things for me but unless they start letting me know….i am not going to keep waiting. I am young but too old to sit and wait and wait and wait.
Looks are important to an extent. I mean you could put a toned guy in front of me and then he could begin to talk to me and be the biggest idiot, have bad teeth, or have nothing important to say and I will think he is the most unattractive guy ever. For me how you appear at first is important but what you do or say next determines it all.
So for now I remain single and just taking each day as it comes because eventually I think life will work out and the guy I am supposed to be with will eventually get the nerve to talk to me J
I have had many dates, many short term relationships and about 3-4 that were over a year. But they don’t mean anything at this point. It isn’t the number of relationships you have had or lack of them it is the one really good one that matters most.
So that is what I will wait an eternity for then. J